Pairing: J/C
Rated K+
June 2001
Summary: We all have ghosts, and these are Kathryn's...
Length: 2988 words
Disclaimer: blah blah blah, I DON’T OWN THEM

The idea of ghosts, apparations had never really been one that Kathryn had given much thought to. The idea that there was something after this life, it just wasn't something she had thought much about. To her, Kathryn the scientist, life was life, and when it was over: that was it.

They had returned to the Alpha Quadrant not six months ago. She had been immediately given a new post, a new ship. It was a great ship, not like the Voyager at all. Kathryn had been given command of a galaxy class ship, the Aurora. It was nice, more room, larger crew, but it wasn't home.

Hauntings, like ghosts she had never spent any time thinking about, and until they had begun to 'haunt' her so to speak, it had never been an issue.

Her father, her dead fiancé Justin, the many lives she had seen lost while Commanding Voyager...it had all been surreal to an extent until she sat and thought about it. Kathryn had blood on her hands, she had sent many people to their deaths, and though it was not really her 'fault' it was her doing.

Here aboard the Aurora, she was faced with dilemmas every day, and she dealt with them as any Captain would; but here on this ship, she didn't really get to 'know' her crew. They were nameless ensigns, and faceless lieutenants who would never live to tell their tale. Crewmembers who would never get the chance to punish her for her crimes, who would never live to be.

Kathryn never was...

Kathryn had forgotten to live in her strife to make the world a better place, in her goals to succeed. The Captain had had many an accomplishment, but on the day she died, Kathryn would have nothing to show for it.

Kathryn had given up her life for a goal that was in the end...meaningless.

The Captain lived each day as if it would be her last, but Kathryn, she lived with the hope that some day, she would find happiness.

As she got on in the years she realized the word 'ghost' meant more than just the existence of the dead. Kathryn wasn't even sure if that existed, but she realized she had other ghosts to harbor.

The ghosts of lost loves that could have been, the ghosts of the officers she had held so dear. The ghost of the closeness she now missed more than anything. The ghost of a past she could have lived out to its fullest.

The ghost of Voyager and her crew, a crew and closeness she would never see again.

Chakotay, so many possibilities, so many missed opportunities, love had passed her by yet again, and this time it had not been in death, but rather to life and to her own fear, and her own stupidity.

She could have made a life, and now all she had to show was another commendation in another log. Another life she could have lived and another chance she had missed.

As the years passed on other ghosts haunted her. The ghost of her friends, or as close to friends as a Captain could get. Tom, B'Elanna, Harry...all of them. The children she had watched grow up and she had lost to other ships.

When she had returned to the Alpha Quadrant, she had tried to 'keep the family together' but starfleet had, had other ideas.

She had been sent away. She had kept some of her crew, others she had lost. This crew was good, but it was not her Voyager family. It was not her senior staff, and although she trusted them implicitly, as sad as it was, she would not trust them with her life.

She would trust them with her death, but not with her life. They were Starfleet Officers, they would do with her, what she would do with each of them upon the end of this mortal life. But even today, even after six months she still had her doubts.

They would never be, the crew of Voyager, the best crew she had ever worked with.

She had however been lucky enough to score with the first officer; her second in command had ended up being Tom Paris, the misfit boy who had grown into a man. Who had developed into husband to B'Elanna Torres, and father to their daughter Miral.

Today however he was no more, and she added him to her list of hauntings. She added him to her crew losses, and although on this ship she did not recognize or grieve for many of the dead in a personal sense but simply as the Captain of the Starship, with this one, she lost her resolve and wept openly.

Tom Paris, like the son she never had. Like the child she was denied. Like the lover who never was.

Chakotay...where was he now. He was a ghost who haunted her every day. His words, his symbols, his traditions, his hopes. They spent their time in her dreams and in her waking hours, making light of a life that had failed.

There was the ghost of the relationship that had been a possibility, and now, Seven had realized her dream. Kathryn had let him go, she had pushed him right into Seven's arm. She had let them all go.

The ghosts haunted her still.

The memories of loves, and friends come and gone.

She sighed and looked at the pictures that adorned her cabin. She viewed the images of her and Chakotay on New Earth, at Neelix's parties...

She saw another of Tom and B'Elanna at Miral's birth, the baby just two hours old. What a pretty picture, but that picture was no more. She let the tears fall at the thought of Miral growing up never knowing her father, never knowing what a brilliant man and pilot he had been.

The legacy lived on, if nowhere else but in Kathryn's memories and the ghosts of people that were.

Every time she fell asleep, she felt the memories invade her privacy, the memories of days come and gone, of the love and the life she could have had.

Of the Voyager crew, and their special bond.

She had pushed and pushed and tried and tried and in the end, it had all meant nothing.

She heard a beep on her computer screen...she looked. The message was from beyond, from a time in her life that had been happy.

Chakotay...

She opened the message. She read it...god this wasn't happening. Seven was pregnant. This was the end. Inside she died a little more each day and with the birth of this child would be the end of her happiness and the end of the hopes she had for a perfect life.

When she thought about it, there were other things. Ghosts were really dreams. Ghosts of a chance, a dream waiting to happen. Ghosts of things past, memories that had once happened, lives that had been passed by.

*~*~*~*~*

Captain's log Stardate 58967.4

The Aurora is back in Federation space again. It has been a while since we've been here, in safe harbors. Given, the dematerialized zone all but disappeared with the Maquis threat all but gone, but it was still a place that needed patrolling. And the Aurora had drawn the job. I only hope that we don't run into any trouble, one day without a major crisis could be a good thing.

Of course this zone was also the place where the Delta wormhole had been discovered. If only the Voyager had found this way home many years ago, but alas it had not. They had made it home the hard way.

She remembered her last days on Voyager, Chakotay, Seven how had she let it all go wrong? The Borg sphere, Admiral Janeway, so many deaths, so many people she had lost contact with...

Kathryn walked over to her replicator. "Coffee, Black."

The machine brought her the liquid she seemed to crave more and more every day. She had however, cut down immensely, or that was what she told herself. In reality since the day of Chakotay and Seven's wedding, her coffee intake had gone up about ten-fold, and her doctor, the one and only holodoc, (she had insisted on staying with him after years of service), had told her time and time again...it was not good.

She sighed and put her hand to her forehead. So Chakotay and Seven were going to be parents. So the only man she had ever really loved (and lost) was going to finally get his wish: fatherhood. This was something along the way Kathryn had always thought she couldn't give him, but as the years had worn on she had thought differently.

When they had been on the Voyager, the years had continued to pass, Janeway remembered the day she had discovered B'Elanna was pregnant. The life cycle was starting. B'Elanna and Tom would no doubt not be the first or the last of her mottled crew to embark on parenthood. And Kathryn would hopefully not be the last, but she knew, it was very likely she would not be part of it at all.

Many years ago, she and Chakotay had spoken of this, had spoken of the fact that the crew might need to start having children, might need to replenish the crew, who knew how long either Kathryn or Chakotay would be able to continue the command of Voyager?

But she had, and so had he. And they had continued until they had reached Earth, until that fateful day when Chakotay had told her, he wished to be married, and Kathryn had seen that the many things Admiral Janeway had told her were coming true.

And so, Kathryn in her infinate stupidity had kept her mouth shut, not proclaimed her love for Chakotay and had married him to her protégée.

The ghosts of what could have been: really they weren't ghosts but rather regrets, and those she had many of.

Not loving Chakotay when she was given the chance, not getting to know Tom and B'Elanna when they could have been friends, not sending Tom on that fateful away mission.

God, Tom. One year old Miral would never see her father, never grow up to know him, never have him at her graduation.

Kathryn let a tear escape her composed facade. At the moment they were waiting for the Wyoming to come and relieve them so she could make her way back to Earth and bring Tom's body. B'Elanna was still on maternity leave, she had decided to take a couple of years off. Although she had been informed of the accident over subspace, Kathryn was sure that it would not feel real to B'Elanna until she saw the body.

*~*~*~*~*

Six hours later...

Kathryn approached the Paris home. B'Elanna stood outside waiting for Kathryn. Kathryn saw the baby toddle towards her mother. *What a cutie. Oh how I wish I had let him in.* She knew that Seven and Chakotay were coming for the memorial, and Janeway wasn't sure how she would deal with that just yet. At the moment however, she had other matters which required her immediate attention.

She approached her former chief engineer and as she let the sorrow fill her eyes she felt B'Elanna begin to approach her, her speed accelerating. "Kat...is it true..."

Kathryn simply nodded and opened her arms letting the younger woman fall into them. "I'm so sorry Lanna."

Kathryn felt the tears soaking her uniform. Her uniform may as well have been glued to her frame, for the little time she spent outside of it. A dress, an outfit that did not represent 'Starfleet', it was a memory of something that had been. It was the ghost of Kathryn. Kathryn was but a memory, and every time she thought of Kathryn, she remembered a couple, a pair that could have been. The phantom of the command team that had beaten the Borg, that had squashed the Hirogen. A command team that had saved the Ocampa, that had helped many a child grow up.

The Captain was a frail shadow of the woman from whom she had begun. Kathryn, was no more. Kathryn was...she felt a tear fall down her cheek and joined in with B'Elanna as they both grieved for loves lost. For a world that had been, but was no more.

The cried for what felt like forever. B'Elanna looked up into Kathryn's blue eyes, the deepest blue B'Elanna had ever seen, accentuated by the tears in her eyes. "I lost my other half, the continuation of my soul to death Kat, you haven't lost yet...you've just gone astray on the path. Find him, before its too late. Before he too becomes a ghost of a chance. A ghost of a future never realized."

Kathryn just stared at B'Elanna. When had her misfits and the 'children of Voyager' grown so smart? Gotten so wise?

Kathryn gave B'Elanna one last hug and left to prepare for the memorial service.

Twelve hours later it was done. Gone. Tom Paris had left a lasting impression on so many and his sprit would live on forever she was sure. Flyboy no more.

On that day, Kathryn decided she would resurrect herself. The Captain of the Aurora took a leave of absence. It was undetermined. After all she had been through with Voyager and then taking a new command right away, she was entitled to some leave.

And so they asked no questions, and only hoped she would be okay.

*~*~*~*~*

Eighteen Months Later...

Kathryn sat at her house in Indiana. With all the backpay she had made while on the Voyager, she had had enough saved to buy a house. Bloomington Indiana. Her home.

A year ago, Kathryn had heard of the terrible accident. Seven had been killed. Chakotay had been devastated. She had not gone to see him. The painful memories had been seared into her skull, and she refused to resurrect them.

The child Seven had been carrying had died. Seven had been in a terrible transporter accident. They had been unable to separate the patterns. Apparently the service had had to be a closed casket ceremony the body had been so badly mangled: Yet another apparition to add to her list.

She swore some nights, like in the old tale of Scrooge, the ghosts of the dead officers haunted her. Reminding her that she lived and they had died. Died for her cause.

Although many a day, she wished she had died along with them. That she had ended it all in the Delta Quadrant, when she had been happiest.

That she had heroically died in the fields of battle against the Borg. Against Species 8472, against the Hirogen...anyone, a heroes death. A name on a plaque in Starfleet headquarters.

When Seven had passed, she had wanted to go and visit Chakotay. Make sure he was okay, make sure...who was she kidding. She wanted to have him for herself. In the face of the death of his love, his wife, the woman who was supposed to be the future mother of his child, Kathryn had no right to want to have him for her own.

And so she had not visited him. She had all but hidden out by herself a ghost, a shadow of the woman she had been. B'Elanna frequently visited her bringing Miral along. The child was growing fast. Almost three now and as beautiful as her mother, but when she looked closely, with her father's clear blue eyes.

The Paris genes would run in this child no doubt. She seemed to contain her father's care free nature, and loving personality. As she sat in the grass playing with the child she thought she was seeing a ghost. She knew that body frame anywhere.

B'Elanna looked to the suddenly quiet Kathryn. She saw all the colour had drained from the woman's face. "Kat, what..." B'Elanna saw the man coming over the hill. "It can't be..."

Kathryn spun around. "Do you see it too Lanna?" She shook her head trying to clear the cobwebs of the memories of days passed. "I'm not seeing things?"

B'Elanna just shook her head and scooped up the child. Walking towards the man, neither had seen in far too long. Kathryn began almost in a run. Chasing the ghost of a man she had loved and lost. A memory of a time when happiness had been in her reach.

She called out. The man looked up. "Oh god, it is you."

Kathryn approached and when she reached him fell into his open arms. He felt real, it was the first time in a long time that the hauntings would be no more. She looked up into the obsidian eyes. "Chakotay...never leave me again."

Chakotay let a ghost of a smile grace his lips. "Never love...never." He leaned into a kiss that sealed their fates. "I realized a long time ago, the mistakes I made. What I do know though, despite everything is," He took in a deep breath. "If we don't learn from our mistakes and correct them we are doomed to repeat them."

He picked her up and they made their way to her house.

Years later, centuries later, the stories were still told, of a man and a woman and a love sealed with the blood of another. A love stronger than any other.

And their ghosts, well their ghosts stalked Indiana still, as they prowled Starfleet headquarters in the form of the remembrances Kathryn had always wanted and had never gotten in life, but in death were set free.